Help! I don’t know if I want to have kids. An expert weights in on parenthood fears.

Ask most parents about their first few months of child-rearing and you’ll likely hear the same stories. They’ll talk about sleepless nights and painful deliveries. There will be tales of messy homes and even messier schedules. It will include leagues of harrowing narratives that only end when the youngsters move away to college -- and even that’s less likely to put a stop to the madness these days. Many of us have parenthood fears that rumble in our minds before we even conceive.

So why do we decide to breed new generations, year after year? According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than 73 million children in the United States. At the same time, there has been a looming level of what’s called “tokophobia” that has been permeating the American family. 

A Japanese study published in 2024 defines Tokophobia as the dread and avoidance some women feel about childbirth despite desperately wanting a baby. The study concluded that tokophobia is a concerning condition that needs acknowledging. 

Additionally, the CDC has found that there has been a considerable decline of children born to women between the ages of 15 and 29. Millennials are reportedly opting for cats and dogs as offspring rather than actual humans. In today’s busy world, it’s no wonder why so many couples report experiencing anxiety when considering having children. 

To help ease some of the worry, we talked to Dr. Foojan Zeine, a psychotherapist who runs a large private practice in Irvine, CA and is the recent author of a book called “Life Reset.” She also has more than 30 years of experience

working with couples. 

This interview was edited for length and clarity. This is not medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider for treatment decisions.

What are some common fears you hear from to-be-parents who are expecting a baby? 

Dr. Zeine: Fears are about the health of the baby, especially regarding autism; Parents competence toward raising a child; changing the couples romantic and sex life; financial burden; too much involvement from in-laws; Not having personal time anymore; creation of more conflict between the couple regarding parenting styles; the woman's body never going back to her original way.

What are some questions couples should ask themselves before trying for a baby?  

Dr. Zeine: Are we ready financially to provide for a child up to college? Are we the right age (young and early in career, or older and not having enough patience or stamina)? Do we know how to communicate and negotiate well enough to discipline and raise a child? Do we have enough information about the different development stages of children? Can our marriage handle the stress of having a child?

What is some of the best advice for couples considering children?  

Dr. Zeine: Talk about your vision of your family. Talk about how you each were raised and what you liked about that which you like to pass on and what you didn't like and would like to upgrade. Explore values that you want to teach your children and come to some common ground. Read general parenting books to become familiar with the fundamentals of modern parenting.

What are some common misconceptions about parenting?

Dr. Zeine: They think, ‘I will just duplicate what my parents did with me and all will be fine.’ This era is so different that what our parents. It is no longer acceptable. Many think, ‘All I need to do is control and protect my child’ but with the open access to the world via internet, controlling our children is no longer applicable, we have to teach our children in how to assess data and to apply what they see in their life. 

What do you say to couples worried their social lives will end after they have children?  

Dr. Zeine: Don't worry, social life does not have to end, just changes.  Couples need to have date nights on their own and with other couples.  as their children grow, they can socialize with parents who have similar-age children.  

How can couples take care of themselves during the first few months after birth? 

Dr. Zeine: Ask for help from friends or family; hire a baby nurse; take shifts in taking care of the baby; talk to each other about your experience, expectations, and fears; stop judging yourself and know that you are a novice at this (with the first baby) and ask questions, and obtain information from the internet; sleep in shifts.