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From Heartbreak to Hope: Kailey's IVF Journey and the Embryo Donation
This is not intended to provide medical advice. The interview has been edited for clarity and length. Please consult your doctor for any health-related concerns.
Kailey always knew she wanted to be a mother. "Being a mom was probably my purpose since I was 4 or 5 years old. There was no doubt." This certainty about becoming a parent guided her life choices, shaping her educational and career goals. She chose paths that would allow her to spend time with her children and enjoy family life.
"I just thought it was going to happen quickly. Once we decided, it would happen quickly, and it did not"
However, life had other plans. When Kailey and her husband began trying to conceive at age 30, they expected to get pregnant within a few months. "I just thought it was going to happen quickly. Once we decided, it would happen quickly, and it did not," Kailey recalls.
Kailey assumed she would have the same experience as her mother and sister, who both became pregnant within two months of trying for a baby.
For many women, the path to motherhood is straightforward. But for Kailey, it was a journey filled with heartbreak, hope, and unexpected twists. Her story of infertility and eventual success through embryo donation reveals the emotional and financial toll of assisted reproduction that many families face.
Infertility affects millions of people across the country at some point in their lives according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services yet culturally, discussing fertility is still somewhat taboo.
The Initial Struggles
Like many couples, Kailey and her husband started their journey with optimism. They tracked ovulation, timed intercourse, and waited expectantly each month. But as the negative pregnancy tests piled up, the process began to take a toll on their relationship.
"It was a challenging topic for my husband and me," Kailey shares. "It took a lot of the romance out of it." The spontaneity and joy of their intimacy were replaced by schedules and pressure. "We were scheduling sex based on when we thought we would ovulate, texting things like, 'Oh, I think it's tonight.' It wasn't romantic anymore."
Seeking Medical Help for Infertility
After a year of unsuccessful attempts, the couple turned to Kailey's OB-GYN. Kailey underwent a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test, where a contrast dye is injected into the uterus to find any blockages in the fallopian tubes and endometrial cavity to check for blockages, a common initial step in diagnosing female infertility. The test revealed a slight blockage in one of Kailey’s tubes, but the other was clear, allowing semen to travel without issues.
"You're not going to get pregnant just naturally trying."
However, her husband’s semen analysis showed abnormalities in several areas. "You're not going to get pregnant just naturally trying," Kailey recalls the OB telling them. The doctor also advised that intrauterine insemination (IUI), a process where semen is directly placed in the uterus during ovulation, wouldn't be effective for them.
"IUI already has a really low percentage of success rates, but if you're dealing with any sort of semen issues, IUI wouldn't solve that issue either," Kailey noted. Given these challenges, Kailey determined in vitro fertilization (IVF) to be the most likely path to conception.
IVF is a process where eggs are taken from a woman's ovary and fertilized with sperm outside the body to create embryos. These embryos are then grown in a lab for a few days before being either transferred to the woman's uterus or frozen for later use.
The Emotional Toll of Infertility
As the reality of their situation set in, Kailey struggled emotionally. "Every single month that you get a negative test, you're grieving," she shares. "I was grieving the potential to be a mom, my purpose in life, so many different things. I was stressing and depressed."
The isolation and disappointment of infertility can be overwhelming. For Kailey, finding support became crucial to her mental health and the health of her marriage.
Finding Support and Community
In early 2019, Kailey joined an infertility support group, which proved to be a turning point. "Pretty quickly after I joined that, my husband was like, 'Wow, I can see the pressure releasing off of me,'" she recalls. The group provided not just emotional support but also practical resources and connections to local fertility specialists.
For anyone struggling with infertility, Kailey emphasizes the importance of seeking support: "You don't have to go through infertility alone."
The IVF Journey Begins
Armed with recommendations from her support group, Kailey and her husband consulted several reproductive endocrinologists before choosing their clinic. The process involved extensive testing, including detailed examinations of Kailey's ovaries and uterus, as well as genetic testing for both partners.
"Let's get you pregnant."
The results were disappointing. "I had a lower hormone level than they would have hoped for. I had a lower egg quantity count than I would hope for," Kailey explains. Despite these challenges, the couple moved forward with IVF, buoyed by the doctor's optimistic words: "Let's get you pregnant."
The Reality of IVF Treatment
IVF is a complex, multi-step process that can be physically, emotionally, and financially draining. For Kailey, it involved daily hormone injections, frequent monitoring appointments, and the anxiety of waiting for results at each stage.
The egg retrieval process yielded 17 eggs, but the numbers dropped quickly from there. "Our attrition rate was higher than the average," Kailey notes. By the end, they had only one embryo make it to the freezing stage.
Before testing for chromosomal abnormalities, which can cost more than $2,000, Kailey and her husband decided to reassess the situation.
The Financial Burden of IVF
The cost of IVF is substantial, often running into tens of thousands of dollars per cycle. Kailey, who lives in Southern California, estimates that retrieval cycles, including medications, cost her around $30,000. Without insurance coverage, these expenses can quickly become overwhelming.
"We were 30-plus thousand dollars into that doctor at that point," Kailey recalls after their second retrieval cycle, which also resulted in just one embryo. The financial pressure adds another layer of stress to an already emotionally charged process.
Priming and Choosing the Right IVF Clinic
Kailey's experience revealed that not all IVF clinics operate the same way. She initially did not realize that the clinic she was at was a high-volume facility, which handled many patients by synchronizing their treatment schedules with the doctor's calendar. This method is referred to as priming.
"If you have any sort of unique case or you want to listen to your body more and be more natural with your cycle in some capacity, it doesn’t always work"
"I didn’t know any different. I just thought quite honestly, like this doctor had good Yelp reviews... they must have success and they do have success because they wouldn’t be in business if they didn’t," Kailey explains. However, she later discovered that their case, involving both female and male factors, was more complex than what the clinic typically handled.
In such high-volume clinics, patients are often put on birth control to regulate their cycles. "They’ll put you on birth control for a certain number of days... I might be on birth control for 12 days and another patient started three days after me, so they’re on birth control for nine days," Kailey describes. This synchronization aims to align all patients’ cycles with the doctor's schedule for efficient retrievals and transfers.
Kailey learned that the priming method, while common, might not be ideal for everyone. "If you have any sort of unique case or you want to listen to your body more and be more natural with your cycle in some capacity, it doesn’t always work," she notes. The approach involves suppressing the body’s natural cycle through continuous hormonal pills, which can be challenging for some individuals.
Finding a New Fertility Clinic
After hitting a frustrating pause in their IVF journey, Kailey consulted her support group, who strongly advised her to see a new doctor in Orange County.
When she met with him, he immediately questioned their previous clinic's approach. "Were you birth control primed?" he asked. Kailey confirmed, and he explained, "Yeah, that’s what that clinic always does. We don’t do that here. Your cycle is your cycle. We will go as slow and steady as we need to on your cycle."
He assured her that he would even work around holidays if necessary. Kailey was struck by the contrast and thought, "Shit, why didn’t we come to you first?" Despite the delay, she felt relieved to have found a more personalized and accommodating approach to her treatment.
The Emotional Rollercoaster Continues
Despite the change in doctors and approach, success remained elusive. Their third retrieval cycle yielded the lowest number of eggs yet, though with better maturity rates. In total, over three cycles, they had managed to create just three embryos.
The couple decided to have all three embryos genetically tested. When the results came back, only one was deemed chromosomally normal. Kailey recalls the mix of emotions: "There's a lot going through your head. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I also really always envisioned more than one kid."
The First Transfer
With their single viable embryo, Kailey and her husband moved forward with the transfer process. The
procedure itself was relatively quick, but the emotional weight was immense. "You can literally see this tiny flash of light, and that's the embryo being placed into your uterus," Kailey describes.
"I felt like I am pregnant. I just know what I feel like I am."
After their embryo transfer, Kailey's doctor adopted a very cautious approach, recommending "three days of bed rest" and "house arrest" for the first few days to minimize any risk. He avoided early testing to prevent unnecessary stress, with blood work scheduled 10 days later to confirm pregnancy.
Kailey felt confident in her pregnancy despite not taking a home test, telling the nurses, "I felt like I am pregnant. I just know what I feel like I am." She was reassured by the protocol, even as she anticipated the official confirmation.
Devastating News
The two-week wait that followed was filled with hope and anxiety. Kailey felt confident she now had her baby on the way. But the call from the nurse delivered devastating news: "I'm so sorry, but you're not pregnant." Kailey was shocked: "I was like, 'What?' And I was like, 'At all?' and she's like, 'No, it's like zero,' and I was like, 'Zero?' I was like, 'There's not anything? You're not just telling me I'm having a miscarriage?' She's like, 'No, it did not take. It just didn't take.'"
“We were back to ground zero.”
The grief was overwhelming, causing Kailey to call out of work and seek creature comforts. “We ordered like a shit ton of Taco Bell and just I went back into bed and I ate a ton of Taco Bell.”
At that moment, the road to pregnancy looked bleak. “We were back to ground zero,” explains Kailey. “We had no embryos, and we would have to do another retrieval again, but there's no guarantee."
Considering Adoption and Embroyo Donation
Facing the prospect of more retrievals with no guarantee of success, Kailey and her husband began to consider alternatives. They looked into traditional adoption, but the uncertainties and potential heartbreak of that process felt too daunting.
“I just knew I would not be able to withstand the roller coaster of that,” says Kailey.
Then they learned about embryo donation. This option involves receiving embryos from other couples who have completed their families and chosen to donate their remaining frozen embryos. It offered a chance at pregnancy and childbirth, even if the child wouldn't be genetically related to them.
The Embryo Donation Process
Kailey dove into researching embryo donation, and joining matching websites and Facebook groups to connect with potential donors. The process felt surreal at times. "It feels like extreme dating," Kailey says, describing the experience of creating profiles and hoping to be chosen by donors.
After weeks of searching and conversations with potential donors, they connected with a same-sex couple from Colorado who had embryos to donate. The two couples met over Zoom, discussing their backgrounds, values, and hopes for the embryos.
The match felt right, and the donors offered Kailey and her husband all of their remaining embryos. It was a generous gift that opened up new possibilities for their family-building journey.
Preparing for Transfer
With the legal paperwork completed and the embryos transported to their clinic, Kailey began preparing for the transfer. The process involved hormones to prepare her body and careful timing.
On December 1, 2020, they transferred one of the donated embryos. The two-week wait that followed was filled with cautious hope. This time, Kailey decided to test at home before the official blood test.
"I'd never seen a positive pregnancy test ever"
"I tested day five. And this was very like, everything you read in the blogs is like first-morning pee, cause it's the most saturated and concentrated pee,” shares Kailey. “And it was positive. And I'd never seen a positive pregnancy test ever. So I was like, it worked. It worked."
A Dream Realized
The positive home test was confirmed by the clinic, and Kailey's pregnancy progressed. Each milestone—seeing the heartbeat, graduating from the fertility clinic to regular OB care—felt like a miracle.
The pregnancy wasn't without its challenges. Kailey was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to manage her diet carefully and eventually use insulin. But these hurdles felt manageable compared to the journey to get pregnant.
"I doubted for so long that we were going to be able to have a kid. And now, she's here."
At 37 weeks, due to concerns about her blood pressure, Kailey was induced. After a day of labor, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. The moment was surreal and joyous. "I just remember, I kept repeating, 'Oh my God, she's here.' I doubted for so long that we were going to be able to have a kid. And now, she's here."
When Kailey’s daughter was born, weighing five pounds and 15 ounces, Kailey was struck by how much she resembled the donor's children she had seen in photos. “She looked just like one of them,” Kailey observed, feeling a deep connection.
During a routine moment in the delivery room, when the doctor asked, “So who does she look like?” Kailey responded, “She looks like the donors.” This brief yet poignant response reflected the unique and protective connection Kailey felt with her child. She also hoped to urge the doctor to be more mindful of the varied ways families are formed.
Building Their Family
Today, Kailey Wright is the proud mother of a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and an almost nine-month-old son. Her daughter, once the "easiest baby," has blossomed into a "feisty, independent toddler" who shares a sweet bond with her younger brother.
"She shares her stuffies with him... she's the sweetest big sister," Kailey says. Her son is now developing his own personality and starting to crawl Kailey reflects, "We're trying to just find a normal now that we know our family building is closed. This was perfect for us. This is what we envisioned."
Reflecting on the IVF Journey
Looking back on her journey, Kailey finds it surreal how quickly time has passed since her infertility struggles. "It feels like a blur often, but it feels natural and normal for us," she notes.
She acknowledges the profound impact of her experiences, especially the support she found along the way. "I wished I had joined a support group sooner," she reflects, emphasizing that her journey could have been different had she known about her options earlier.
"Once I reached out and found that my story was not only not unique but really common," she shares, "it was like, oh okay, this is really common." Her message is clear: No one has to navigate these challenges alone, and support can make a significant difference in overcoming the darkness.
